Thoughts pt.1

When I don't know what to say when I don't know what to think -- I write. 

And it's one of those times again.

I've lived in London now for about 7 years, and it's starting to take its toll. 

I know people who would give anything to be here, for the opportunities and the career prospects but it brings out the worst in me.

I love nature. I love being around the people I love. And I hate having to travel miles to get somewhere.

The rental prices here are astonishing and to live alone would be damn right impossible unless you earned 50k + a year, which as a graduate would be near impossible to earn straight off the bat.

I have lived with my mother on and off for years because every time I move out I struggle to make ends meet and get extremely stressed with finances. 

Where I am from you can rent a two bedroomed house for around £400 a month...in London, you couldn't even get a garage for that. The minimum for a one bedroom house is about £1000 a month and that won't be anywhere near a mansion, more like a glorified box. 

I am struggling to be away from people all the time and I am feeling alone, in London, there are apparently now over eight million people living here, so with so many people, how can someone feel so lonely?

It's because we keep to ourselves, avoid eye contact, walk quickly and don't stop to appreciate the little things - oh, how I miss the little things, the birds in the trees, the wind in my hair and the beautiful flowers that grow in the grass. 

I've changed being here in London, I am not the carefree, fun loving girl I used to know, everything is now so serious and everyone takes themselves seriously. Isn't life too short for that? shouldn't we enjoy each others company, laugh as much as we can, smile at people we don't know to spread a bit of cheer into their day. 

I don't like my attitude, I don't like who I've become...does ambition cause us to be selfish? Can we really think of others and still climb higher on the ladder? 

Some days I want to go back to the old days, some days I think of how far I've come and how much I've managed to achieve being here in London. I've got my degree and I'm just about the finish my Masters, I never in a million years thought I'd go back into education, but I did. 

I guess I'm nowhere near as lost as I used to be, I know what I enjoy, I know what I want to do, but I want to be happy and healthy doing it, and that balance is the hardest thing to find. 

Having now finished the teaching part of my MA I can safely say I am a lot more relaxed about taking the work I need to do at a steady pace. 

Finding a routine is another thing I struggle with, but I know being in one would do me the world of good and so slowly but surely I will get one that suits me. 

I find that I take out a lot of my anger on other people, I can see it happening but I can't seem to stop. Maybe some of us don't belong in a city, we know that the stress, the commutes, the people can easily get on top of us.

I don't want to be angry Sophie - I want to be happy Sophie. 

Maybe a small town is where I belong, or maybe just not the capital city...