I've become so numb

It's 3.30pm on a Wednesday and I am sat in bed watching Gossip Girl and writing this blog post and thinking about what lies ahead for me in the future. A lot of you will think that I'm being a lazy s*** and I should get up off my arse and do something. Well, you know what, some days I don't want to do anything, in fact, most days I don't. Not having a job means I can wake up at whatever time I like, I can go for a walk, take pictures or write a blog post. I apply for jobs and I keep on trucking. But after a while, you just feel deflated. That's how I feel, like a balloon that's lost it's air, like a hollowed out doughnut with no jam left in it. I just feel numb.

I want to achieve great things, I want to have a career I can be proud of instead of hiding what I do or the fact I am unemployed or a student again. 

But this lack of motivation and lack of feeling is consuming me, so much so that I can't figure out what I want anymore. People ask me what type of journalism I am interested in, but when I say entertainment they don't take me seriously because according to others, that isn't real journalism. Let's face it, a lot of what is written today is just regurgitated and brought up again and again in hopes that your website is the one that gets the most page views. Well, that is one of the things I hate about journalism, I want news I haven't heard before but most of that is posted by the big news corporations who hear about everything first and trowl twitter and facebook for the latest gossip/trivial news stories. Some websites really do interest me, most of the VICE publications really catch my eye because they write about unique and possibly topical things. For example, Broadly just posted a video about an 8-year-old drag queen from the united states and it was genuinely interesting to watch how it affects someone that age. 

Some days I think I am one of these 'Millenials' who think they deserve a good job because there are so many or can't commit to one thing because their mind constantly changes. I still have doubts now, but the fact is I am interested in a wide array of topics and not all of them fit together perfectly but when they are all combined, they make me who I am. You can call me unfocused or undecisive but I call myself creative. I can take semi-decent photos, I can bake a wide array of foods, I can play the piano, sing, act and write features about up and coming films, I work-out, I read, I play video games and so much more. Why constrict yourself to one thing when there is a world of possibilities out there? 

I know that being focused helps but after a while, you lose focus because other things creep up on you. That desire to be a singer, that urge to start acting again and then on the other side of the coin you just want to have money, be a successful woman and be able to buy nice things. Maybe life is a constant battle and opportunity is the only thing that helps us to 'fit' nicely into society. You can constantly ask yourself 'what if...' and 'why did I do that', or you can 'go with the flow' and see where life takes you. Some people have a plan, a route set out for them, school, college, university and then a job in their field, but life doesn't always go as planned and when this happens we don't know what to do, how to cope and how to adapt to new and unplanned situations.

I cling to fitness because it is the only thing in my life that I have done consistently over the years and when that all went to s*** I had NO IDEA what to do or how to cope, gaining weight and starting from scratch wasn't what I had planned but you know what - I adapted, and now I am learning new things about fitness, nutrition and myself.

Change is a fundamental part of life and things happen that are in and out of your control. In the end, it's your choices that make you stand out from the crowd and help you become who you are, whatever that may be and whenever that may happen.

I am numb now but I know it won't last forever, I know that one day I will get a phone call, attend an interview and get hired. Until then, I am floating along in limbo waiting for the day to come when I can be proud of my work status and my financial situation. But for now, I am broke, unmotivated and creative. I guess that sounds familiar....

What experiences have you had looking for work? Do you think that depression/mental health is holding you back?  If you want to contact me go to my Instagram or Twitter @sophieogden I'm always up for a chat or debate.

I would love to hear your stories.

Last but not least, the other day I found a poem that perfectly sums up how I feel right now:

Bye for now, over and out. And hopefully next time I write it will be a positive post about my new found career in London!

Fingers crossed.